Embrace "No"

“No” is the favorite word for many two-year-olds. It is a one-syllable word, easy to pronounce. Its meaning is clear. No, I am not giving you that. No, I will not eat that. No, I am not walking to you. Saying “no” is such an easy way to express what you do not want, yet as we get older, it seems to be harder for us to say that word out loud.

What is the change? As we grow older, some may argue grow wiser too, we make “no” mean a lot more. Rather than simply refusing to do that thing you say “no” to, you make it mean that saying “no” will upset that person. You do not want to upset that person or anyone. You do not want to be the source of other people’s unpleasant emotions.

Or you believe that there is the responsibility to say “yes” all the time, especially at work. As a physician, you work hard. You clock in extra hours to finish your work. When you are asked to do something extra, your first instinct is “no” because you are exhausted, or you simply do not want to. Then you backtrack your thoughts and convince yourself that you “should” say yes, even though you are not up for it, physically and emotionally.

Or you think that saying “no” means that you are not a team player. This may be a sensitive matter especially if you are a physician working in a group practice or if you are part of an institution. Then you start to travel to the imagined future in your head: what if this affects your promotion, your future work relationship with your colleagues, or any future opportunities?

When you say “yes” to something not willingly, what are you saying “no” to?

It is important to know yourself, to know what values you are holding dear to. When you say “yes” or “no” to something, are you doing it according to your values? Along with your values are your goals. What are your current goals, or what is your main goal? Is your decision moving you toward or away from your goal?

Take a regular clinical day as an example. You work in a group practice as a specialist. You have a full schedule of patients and you are the only doctor in the office that day. A primary care physician called and asked if you would “squeeze” in his patient who is new to you because of something that is semi-urgent, but not to the point that you need to see that patient in the same day. You are already behind schedule. You want to help out that colleague but you also understand your limitations. Your goal is to take good care of your patients and leave work at a decent hour. By saying “yes” to seeing that new patient, you are worried that, with your already exhausted mind and body, and your long schedule, you are not going to have the capacity to take good care of that patient. So you choose to say “no”. You told your colleague nicely about your decision, yet firm. Saying “yes” would have probably meant sub-optimal care and not leaving work on time.

If you say “yes” when you want to say “no”, you may be saying “no” to yourself – “no” to taking care of yourself. “No” to showing up as the best version of yourself to perform your best. “No” to upholding your core values. That is quite a loaded and not a fully free-willed “yes”.

If you say “no” when you mean “no”, you are saying “yes” to yourself. You are giving yourself grace. You are not giving the power to others to determine how you feel. We cannot control what other people think anyway. They may have a completely different perspective from what you have.

It is helpful to learn from the two-year-old – say “no” when you mean it. Keep it simple. Since we cannot control other people’s minds, let them have their opinions. The most important opinion is your own. If your “no” means “yes” to your well-being, to your goals and values, even though it is not comfortable when you do it – embrace “no”.