Boundaries

One of my clients expressed that she chose not to spend more time with her parents. Let us call her Patty. Growing up, Patty described that it was a constant series of comparison. Her parents would compare everything about her to someone else – it could be a family friend, a relative or a classmate.

Now in her forties, Patty complained that her parents were still comparing, even comparing her own children with other children or cousins. Her parents would also compare how their friend’s children treated their parents. For example, her parents would say, “So and so’s kids are taking their parents on a trip. How come you don’t take us on a trip?”

Patty does not want the incessant comparing from her parents. She decided to spend less time with them and not take them on trips.

I asked Patty if she brought up the situation about comparison with her parents. She said she was bringing it up more and more.

Patty decided that she did not want her children to grow up in an environment of constant comparing. That is her boundary. When her boundary is violated, she is not quite clear on the actual boundary of violation. She feels guilty because she wants to spend more time with her parents, but she does not want to experience the comparisons all over again, just as she did as a child.

What if Patty made it clear? What if Patty told her parents that she did not want all the comparisons around her children? And what if she told them that, if they continued to draw comparisons, she and her children would spend less time with them, and would not take them on family trips?

A boundary is set to protect ourselves. It is supposed to be a clear line to distinguish what our principles are and what is considered a violation. A boundary also includes a consequence if it is violated.

Sometimes it is difficult to set a boundary, not because you do not know what your values are, but because you are afraid of what others will think of you. If the boundary is not set, then people will keep on doing things against your beliefs – because they do not know where you set your boundaries, or because they do not see any consequences of what they do.

We set boundaries because we respect and love ourselves enough to make it clear where to draw the line. A boundary is best set when you are calm or in a positive emotional state. Be kind. Be very clear on what your boundary is, otherwise you and other people may get confused. You only have to state your boundaries when they are violated. You get to tell the violator kindly where your values lie. Do not attack other people. They get to choose what they want to do. If they still decide to violate your boundary, it is important to follow through with what the said consequences are.

A boundary is not to dictate how others should behave. It is there to declare what a violation is, and what the consequences of the violation are.

Do not be afraid of what other people may think of you. Do not be afraid of upsetting others when you set a boundary. As we discussed earlier, a boundary is best set when you are at peace, in a state of love and kindness. It is to protect you, your well-being, your emotional and physical health. It is to honor and love yourself. It is also a way to live in integrity.

When you are clear on your boundaries, you are more likely to have relationships that are authentic and loving. There is less stress because of clarity. Let other people think what they want, as we cannot control that.